I kicked off this Friday morning with another episode of Chicago Transit Theatre. I ride the bus, but the cast of characters on any public transportation is usually the same. CTA gets you where you need to go, but you pay a much larger price than the $2.25 fee. Meet my constituency:
- Mouth Breather Guy: Your constant wheezing and puppy breath make me want to wrap my mouth around the bus exhaust. Halitosis? NO-sis! I know the four steps from the bus stop to your seat may have you out of breath, but you are poisoning the air with your mouth stank. Close up shop and use your nostrils, your breath smells like a butt just drank coffee.
- Cell Phone Girl: You are on every bus I’ve ever ridden. I know your boyfriend be crazy, but the other 60 people on this bus don’t care. Who the hell are you talking to at 7am? Wait, let me guess, another girl on another bus? I’m starting to think there isn’t even anyone on the other line and you are just being loud to disrupt everyone around you because you know it makes us want to murder you. Mission accomplished.
- Obscure Loud Music Guy: You disrupt everyone’s commute. The $3 headphones you bought do not contain the garbage that comes out of them. Despite having music pointed directly into your eardrums, you still set the volume to “obnoxious”. I do not know your nationality, but you are brown’ish and I detect horns and woodwinds from the music. Not that that matters, it would just be nice to focus my anger on a specific genre, rather than music in general.
- Book Reading Lady: There were no seats available so you stand.....and read. Seriously? You are so into that self-help book that you won’t set it down for 5 minutes? Oh I see, it’s better to bounce like a Plinko puck off of the other passengers because one of your tiny, frail arms won’t support you AND the book. Your 17 cats may love you, and I’m sure the ficus in your living room that you named Henry approves, but you can wait to read your book until you get to Starbucks with the rest of people who want to look intelligent.
- Homeless Guy: I appreciate that you ask how I’m doing before you ask for “a little change to help get your mom’s medication”, but being nice will get you nothing from me and you smell like Charlie Sheen.
- Bus Driver Guy/Girl: I know the City of Chicago is trying to squeeze every … single…last…dime they can from it’s residents, but there is no room in the back or in the middle or on top of this bus. You have us crammed in here like a Chinese commuter train and I think I may actually have a leg in another man’s jeans. I know it’s your job to get people to where they need to go, but aside from hugging the homeless mouth breather who is already chest to chest with me, you are out of luck.
The bottom line is that nobody really likes to use public transit, but it's there and it works (sorta). I suppose we can't all stare at our phones and avoid eye contact with the rest of the world, but there's always hope...